I don’t typically share too much personal medical info, but the struggle I’ve had for the past six months was made easier when people shared their own experiences with me. I’m hoping to do the same for someone out there.

I recently was diagnosed (after a series of misdiagnoses) with hypothyroidism, and it took more than 1/2 a year to get there.

About six months ago, as soon as the pandemic hit hard, I slipped into a state I thought I’d never be able to pull myself out of. I was constantly exhausted. Not tired. Not lazy. Exhausted. I’d take time off of work to sleep for days, but I’d never feel rested. I couldn’t get through a day without two naps – one for an hour at lunch and a good 3-4 hour, dead-to-the-world, knocked-out hibernation after work. I’d get up, eat dinner (preferring grab-and-go finger foods I could eat on my way from the kitchen down the hall back to bed, because sitting up straight at the table for a full meal was too draining), and go right back to sleep until morning. I took a week of vacation and spent it sleeping for 7 days straight, awake only long enough each day to take the dogs out and eat three meals. We’d have guests over for a socially distant BBQ and I’d have to leave them in the hands of my host-with-the-most husband so I could go inside and sleep. 

And the depression – my God, the depression. Absolutely nothing brought me joy. I wasn’t excited about anything – even meeting up with family in the midst of the pandemic was a chore. I couldn’t carry on conversations. Even my dogs (AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY DOGS!!) began feeling more like dutiful responsibilities than enjoyable companions. I just wanted to be alone, zoning out in front of a mindless TV show before inevitably falling into a deep but nonrestorative sleep five minutes later.

Sleep became my safe space. When I was sleeping, I didn’t have the anxiety of trying to answer simple questions I couldn’t find the answers to, or feel the ultimate hopelessness I felt 100% of the time I was awake. For a long time, I chalked it up to unpredictable events just taking their toll on me – grieving the loss of two family members within three weeks, the divided state of the country, the stress of the global pandemic. But it was so much more than that. 

I knew it was beyond just “Covid Fatigue” or “The Five Phases of Grief” when it became undeniable that my mind was slipping. My short term memory was nil. By the time anyone ended a sentence, I’d forgotten how it began – with no idea what subject we were discussing in the moment. I began taking more notes, recording conversations, etc. None of it helped. And it wasn’t just my memory – my entire brain felt demolished. I could not fathom how to begin even the smallest task. Dragging the garbage pails to the end of my 20 foot driveway overwhelmed me – both mentally and physically. Everything I did took 10 times longer than it normally would. Things just stopped getting done. The job was understanding, but only to a point, which only heightened my anxiety and depression. It was the first time I’d ever experienced this completely destructive “brain fog” – which, by the way, sounds way too cute for what it actually was. More accurately, I was mentally incapacitated.  

To top it off, my body ached – alllllllll the time. In fact, shoulder pain was what first made me consult a doctor. My doc and I believed it was simply a strained muscle from lifting a 60 pound dog, until my knees and hips started aching so much that the unbearable pain would wake me out of every deep sleep. I was tested for Covid, Lyme, and initially misdiagnosed with Lupus. Four months and three rounds of bloodwork and ultrasounds later, I was finally diagnosed with Hoshimoto’s Disease (which causes hypothyroidism). 

My husband was growing increasingly worried. He saw me slip into this black hole, just to keep slipping further. He couldn’t pull me out no matter how much he supported me and wanted to help. One day, he reached out to his friend who had recently recovered from thyroid cancer and talked through his concerns about the unwelcome changes he was watching me go through. That friend then immediately reached out to me, simply to show his support and let me know someone understood what I was going through. He said when he was going through his thyroid issues, he didn’t care whether he lived or died, and that unless you’ve been through it, you couldn’t even imagine how it feels. That was the first time I felt that someone “got it.”  He nailed exactly how I’d felt for the last four months.

The ultimate kicker is just how difficult it is to diagnose. Even now, there’s debate between my primary doc and my endocrinologist whether it is, indeed, hypothyroidism. But what I know is this – one week after I was put on Synthroid to regulate my T4 hormone, I was able to get through the day with only minor fatigue. I could go for a walk after work. I didn’t need to nap at lunchtime. It was a MAJOR improvement. But it took another two months to realize and admit my mind still hadn’t caught up to my body. I still couldn’t concentrate, my memory was still crap, and I was getting overly anxious and overly emotional more and more – literally crying (nearly sobbing… like, ugly crying) in the middle of work meetings without understanding why, and operating with a debilitating knot of nervousness in my stomach when interacting with anyone other than my husband.

Almost two weeks ago, I was put on another medication (Liothyronine) to regulate my T3 hormone, and almost immediately I became myself again. I am cheerful, confident, and hopeful. I can let things roll off my back. I’m able to enjoy catching up with friends, hiking, seeing family, and GOD, MY SWEET ANGEL DOGS!! I’m able to get work done, follow conversations, comprehend reading, and know that everything will work out and I will be fine no matter what, no matter when. I am MYSELF again, and I’ve never appreciated being me more than I do right now. 

If you are experiencing any of this, please reach out. Go to doctors and more doctors and get tests upon tests. Advocate for yourself. Don’t let people tell you it’s pandemic-related depression, that you’re bad at your job, shirking responsibilities, being lazy, any of that. This little gland is powerful enough to impact you in ways you may never have imagined. I’ve been told by so many doctors that that the thyroid is often the most underrated function of the body. And while the diagnosis and treatment may be tricky and time-sucking, feeling like yourself is the ultimate goal – you are worth it and the world needs more happy, healthy, rational attitudes! I’m thankful that mine is (albeit slowly) coming back, and I’m here to talk and support anyone who thinks they’re being misdiagnosed or ignored.

Shout out to my doctors, husband, and family for seeing this through with me.